Kat Tales: A Detective Mellark Comedy
by HungryForMore74
Summary: If you loved "The Wedding," adored "We're Having a Baby," laughed at "The World According to Katniss," giggled at "Everlark Holiday Specials," and cheered "Trapped," then you will love, adore, laugh, giggle, and cheer Kat Tales. You'll learn about pears, town names, small town police, comic conventions and Prim's fear of dogs.
1. Chapter 1 Table of Contents and Intro

Table of Contents

Chapter 1 Table of Contents and Introduction

Chapter 2 Business Meeting

Chapter 3,4,5,6 TheMarriage Game

Chapter 7,8,9 Panem Tales

**Introduction **

Hi, Katniss Mellark here; I'm here to give you a primer just in case you haven't read "The Wedding," "We're Having a Baby," "The World According to Katniss," "Trapped," or "Everlark Holiday Specials," I just have one question for you, WHY NOT?

But it's okay, for now. I'll introduce you to the cast of characters. Like I said, I'm Katniss and I'm married to Peeta and we have a daughter, Lily. I'm in my early thirties...

... hah!

I'm in my early-mid thirties ...

... Katniss!

Okay, I'm thirty-five. HAPPY PRIM?

Yes, I'm very happy. Carry on Katniss.

Thanks Prim. I'm a detective with the NYPD. Peeta is a partner in a law firm. We live on the Upper West Side of Manhattan. Glimmer is our nanny.

Prim is a doctor and she and Rory live close by.

Gale is my partner and after growing up hating each other, he and Madge got married last year.

Annie and Finnick are married. You can attend their nuptials and find out how they met by reading "The Wedding."

Johanna, my college roommate, lives with Clove close-by also. She is an editor at Vogue and a writer. She is the author of a children's book called "Kit Kat Kop." Clove is a bartender in Chelsea.

My parents, the Mellarks, the Hawthornes and the Undersees live where I grew up in Panem New York. It's about ninety minutes away in Orange County, which is in the Hudson Valley.

Rue and Thresh might also make an appearance. Rue is a doctor and she works with Prim.

Effie works at Vogue also as a photo-editor. Effie, Jo, Prim, Rue and I are partners in a small business. We publish "Kit Kat Kop" and a graphic novel called "Detective Ballbuster." Both inspired by me.

And finally there is Haymitch, my favorite drunk. He is a poly-sci professor at NYU, Jo's and my alma-mater. He is also an ex-hippie and professional protestor.

So sit back and enjoy Kat Tales.


	2. Chapter 7 Panem Tales Part I

**Panem Tales Part I**

We lived in a very nice apartment on the Upper West Side of Manhattan. We had two bedrooms; Lily's was on the small side. There was a galley kitchen, a dining area and a living room. It was small, but it suited us fine. Less to keep clean. As a bonus there was an attached studio for our nanny, Glimmer.

But it was nice to get away once in a while. So this weekend, instead of spending our time in the giant backyard we call Central Park, we're going back home to Panem, and staying with my parents in the house I grew up in. Our modest Victorian house was similar to the older village homes that filled the block. The first floor had a good size eat-in kitchen, a dining room and a living room. All the bedrooms were on the second floor. Prim's and mine were the two smallest. I didn't mind the size, because it meant I didn't have to share it with Prim. It did get a little backed up at the bathroom in the morning.

It was a beautiful day to drive home and see the family. We left early on Friday so Peeta wouldn't have to drive in traffic and get white knuckles. Lily will be wide awake when we see the grandparents and I could relax on the ride up. We could have driven through Paramus and seen one strip mall after another. Or we could have taken the Thruway and been treated to views of tenements, factories and warehouses. My loving husband, Peeta, chose the Palisades Parkway. The leaves on the trees that lined the parkway are starting to turn color. To our right was the Hudson River flowing towards the City. To our left, trees blocked civilization.

After a ninety minute drive, Twelfth Street came into view and we pulled into the driveway. "What's with the yellow caution tape?" Peeta asked about the cordoned off area in front of the house around the small garden.

"I don't know. I'll find out what this is about. Can you bring Lily in?" Peeta agreed, and I ran up the stairs.

"Mom, Dad!"

"In here dear." My mom said.

I bolted into the kitchen. "Hi, what happened outside mom?"

"Hello Katniss." She kissed me on the cheek.

"Well, what's with the tape?" She leaned over the sink and brought her hand to her mouth. "Mom, what happened? Tell me." Her silence scared me. It could have been someone trying to break in. Or maybe an injured, or even dead, person found there. "Mom! What is it!"

My mother wiped her face and took a deep breath. "Well, it happened again."

"What!"

"Prim's bush was dug up."

"Prim's what was what?"

"Prim's bush was dug up! The evening primrose bush that has grown in that spot since the day she was born is gone, again. Your father better find out who's doing this."

It didn't take long for my heart rate to come back to normal. "Jesus H. Christ mom. You scared me half to death. And besides, every bush in that spot dies anyway. The ground is cursed or it's filled with dog piss or something." I said as I took off my coat. "What do you expect Daddy to do about it anyway?"

"He was a member of the force. He knows all the local cops. I want him to catch whoever is doing this." Peeta walked in with Lily. "Hello Peeta. How's my little granddaughter?"

"Hi Rose." He handed Lily to Grandma. "Kat, I'll be outside with your Dad." I wondered what they were doing together; it didn't matter. Just as long as they were spending some time together.

"What do you guys have planned?" I asked Peeta.

"He's having me photograph the crime scene."

I gave my mother the look. "MOM! I can't believe you dragged Peeta into this."

"And Rory too. They're both part of the family now."

Peeta leaned in. "Don't worry. I'm sure it won't take long." He kissed my frown.

* * *

"Thanks boys for helping me with this." My father had a pained look on his face. He sensed how important this was to my mother. "Peeta. Take about a dozen photos. After that, Rory, pour the plaster." Both Peeta and Rory wore concern on their faces about how serious my father was taking this. The last thing they wanted to do was spend the weekend on a wild bush hunt.

* * *

"Pull into CVS please. I have to pick up something." Gale said. CVS is the giant drug store chain that bought my grandparents village drug store and gave them a very, very, very comfortable retirement. Madge drove the car into the parking lot and let Gale out in front of the store.

"Do me a favor and pick up a package of pads for me." Gale, like most men, recoiled at the thought of shopping for women's hygiene products. "Oh Gale, stop it. Just buy them." Gale turned and walked away. Madge dialed her phone. "Hi Kat, what time are you getting up here?... Oh you're already here ... Yeah, we'll see you later ..." knock ... knock ... knock ... Standing next to the car was one of Panem's Finest. She lowered the window. "Yes officer?"

"Move the car ma'am. You're in a fire zone."

Madge heard the officer's command. But for some reason it didn't compute. "I'm just waiting for my husband, Detective Hawthorne."

"Oh, your husband is a detective." Madge smiled and nodded. "Well then he won't have any problem detecting you in the lot." The officer's stern expression didn't seem to have any effect on Madge.

"You know my father's Congressman Undersee."

The officer seemed impressed. "Wow, I've heard of him, but I didn't vote for him. So move the car ... now!"

* * *

"Mom, I have a question. You have the evening primrose for Prim. Rose bushes for yourself, obviously. Lilies for grandma and Lily. Violets for Aunt Vi and even daisies for that third cousin twice removed." My mom gave an agreeing nod. "How come there isn't any katniss?"

"Oh that's easy, katniss grows in mud. It's really just a weed dear." Talk about getting hit in the gut. "You forgot the irises in the side yard for old Aunt Iris and the willow out back for your cousin, the actress. You know, the one that looks just like Prim. Remember everyone used to think they were sisters."

"Yes Mom, I remember Willow who looks just like Prim. But I want to know why did you name me after a weed?"

"Ask your father dear. It was his idea. Something about his favorite place to shoot ducks. When is Johanna and her little lesbian friend getting here?"

I almost spit out my drink. "Oh Christ Mom! Don't talk like that! That's insensitive!"

"She's Johanna's friend, right?" I nodded yes. "She's a lesbian, right?" I nodded again. "And she's about five foot three, right?"

"Yes mother, you're correct on all counts. But you wouldn't call Jo that."

My mother put down the tray of food and rolled her eyes at me. "Of course, I wouldn't, Johanna is as tall as you are."

"Mom, just call her Clove."

"I don't call people by their nicknames."

"You call Glimmer, Glimmer."

"That's not her nickname, it's her stage name. Now take these drinks to the boys."

I picked up the tray of pear juice and walked outside. My dad had his own CSI team working like busy little beavers. "How you guys doin'?"

"Not bad, we've got a plaster cast of the paw prints." Rory said.

Rory held up the plaster for me to get a better look. "They're huge. Are you sure it was a dog and not a pony?"

My father examined the plaster cast. "You're right Kit-Kat. It is big. Doctor Buchanan is going to look at it." Doctor Elmer Buchanan had been the area's vet for the past ... oh God I don't know how long ... like forever. He's treated all four Buttercups that we've had. Once Prim glommed onto a name she never let it go.

"He's still alive?" I asked.

"Yup, he'll be here soon. There he is now." My father pointed up the block.

Walking up the block was an elderly man in a walker. It took him another fifteen minutes and two more rounds of pear juice before he reached the house. "I can't believe you made him walk here Daddy. Peeta would have picked him up."

My dad shrugged. "I offered but he said he wanted to walk. Morning exercises."

"GOOD MORNING ELMER!" He waved hello. "WOULD YOU LIKE SOME PEAR JUICE?" He nodded yes. "Katniss, pour a glass of juice. Rory, get a chair for Doctor Buchanan." Doctor Buchanan sat in the lawn chair, drank his juice and fanned himself. In his white linen suit he looked like the old patriarch of a southern plantation overseeing the planting season. "HOW ARE YOU ELMER?" He nodded. He gestured to Rory for the plaster cast. He took out his second pair of glasses and examined it closely. He gave it back to Rory and tried to stand. Peeta and Rory helped him up.

He stood upright in his walker and said, "That's Mr. Tuttle's dolt of a Great Dane, Bosco. Stupidest dog I've ever seen. Got his head stuck once in a vase chasing a fly." I tried not to laugh, but I couldn't hold it in. I just pictured a dog the size of a pony running around with a vase on his head. "Then, the fire department had to pull his head out of a sewer tube where he chased a squirrel." I broke out laughing harder. "Last year I had to pull a dozen porcupine quills out of his snout. That dim-witted mutt is always puttin' his nose where it doesn't belong. Why doesn't he stick to smelling his own shit like other dogs." He started to walk off.

"THANKS ELMER! CAN WE DRIVE YOU HOME?" My dad said.

"Nope, mornin' exercises."

My father took the plaster cast and marched towards the car. "Gentlemen, our first solid lead. Let's go." Peeta's head dropped like a lead balloon, but he followed my father. Well, at least they're spending time together.


	3. Chapter 8 Panem Tales Part II

**Panem Rales: Part II**

"Let's see. Mini, maxi, wings, no wings, scented, Always, Carefree, Kotex ... This is stupid." Gale contemplated his situation. If he bought the wrong one Madge would just send him back. "I could always send her back to get them herself."

He surprised the woman next to him when he laughed for no reason. "Sorry, I just had a really funny thought." Who was Gale kidding. If he didn't bring her what she needed he'd find himself on the couch tonight.

"Let's see. One of these and one of these. I'll get one of this one and this one. I better get a shopping cart." Gale loaded up the cart with a three months assortment of pads, tampons, Motrin, Summer's Eve, and something for yeast. "What the hell is a yeast infection?" He caught the attention of the shopper next to him. "Sorry, I was just ..." She scurried away.

"That's a lot of stuff." The cashier commented.

"Yeah, well, you know ..." She chuckled. "Oh shit! I forgot to get what I came in here for."

When he left the store he saw the car, but not Madge. He knew something was up when he spotted a cop next to the car. "Excuse me." The officer turned around. "My wife was in this car. Did you see her?" The officer smiled, nodded and handed Gale the keys.

* * *

As Sheriff Frank and his two deputies left to chase down leads in the crime of the century I went back inside. I picked up a file and went through it. "Mom, what are these?" I knew the answer already, but I asked anyway.

"Those are job announcements."

"Looking for a part-time job Mom?" My mom didn't answer; she looked away from me. "Let's see what's in here. Panem Police Department. Orange County Sheriff's Department. Orange County District Attorney. Mom, are you trying to tell me something?"

"Katniss, I was talking to the police chief and he has both full and part-time positions open. You can start immediately."

I opened the Panem Press to the Police Blotter. "Let's see what happened last week. DUI on Main Street. DUI on the state highway. Speeding. Drug possession in the park. The Andersens got arrested for beating each other up. Speeding. Murphey's had a bar fight. All very interesting. Oh here's the highlight, '_Patrol responded to Mrs. O'Hara's for a snake. Rubber snake returned to Timmy next door'_." My mother glared at me. That little hint would kill two birds with one stone. I would be out of the NYPD and we'd be closer to home. "But wow, the fire department had some week. They had a structure, no, two structure fires. A major motor vehicle accident. And a mountain search and rescue in the woods. If we moved back home I should join the fire department."

"DON'T YOU DARE! It's bad enough that your father joined them!"

"WHAT! Daddy joined the vollies. That traitor!"

"Oh relax, he and Vick joined the fire police. They direct traffic at accident scenes. But it gets him out of the house on their drill nights for a couple of beers."

"That's very nice Mommy, but I'm very happy at work and I like where we're living."

knock ... knock ... knock ... I ran for the door. "Hey there! Welcome" I kissed and hugged Jo and Clove.

"Hey Kat. Thanks for the invitation." It's nice that they decided to spend the weekend in the country with us.

"Come on in." I opened the screen door. "Mom, they're here."

My mother came bounding out of the kitchen. "Johanna, how nice to see you again." She opened her arms wide and pulled Jo in with a big hug.

"And Mom, you remember Jo's girlfriend, Chloe." She took them both by the arms and led them to the kitchen.

"Of course I do. How could I forget such a pretty girl with a beautiful name like that." Clove blushed.

"Katniss, I need to do a little shopping. Is there a Wal-Mart around?" Clove asked.

"There's a Wal Mart in North SoPa." My mother said.

"What's North SoPa?" Jo asked.

My mom answered. "That's North South Panem." Of course, it is.

"Oh it's nice that Panem has stores close by."

My mother looked up at Jo. "It's not in Panem. It's in North South Panem."

"Um, what's the difference?" Jo asked.

My mother could not have said it any simpler. "We live in Panem, Wal Mart is in North South Panem." Jo just scratched her head. I knew exactly what my mother was thinking, 'City folk.'

"Let me show you the map dear." My mother opened the map and laid it on the table. "This is the town of Panem. We live here, in the village of Panem." She pointed to the middle of the map.

"There's a town... and a village?" Jo asked.

My mother nodded. "And here is South Panem."

"If it's in Panem why do they call it South Panem?"

"It's in the TOWN of Panem but it's south of the VILLAGE of Panem. Got it?"

"Kinda."

"Here, let me show you again." Oh God, an interesting geography lesson. "Here's Panem Village. All our small stores are in Central Panem. South of us is South Panem, where all the big stores are. Except Lowes, of course, they're in North Panem. They're more expensive than Home Depot and there's more money in North Panem. But if you want really old money you have to go to East Panem. That's where all the mansions are. Some are run down though."

Jo pointed to a spot on the map. "Don't tell me, West Panem?"

"Noooo, that's Panem Heights. West Panem is over here. Panem Heights is one of those she-she neighborhoods where all the city people build their McMansions and then complain about the smell of cow manure. What the hell did they expect! It's the country!"

"What's in West Panem?" Clove asked.

"Mostly trailer parks like Panem Gardens, Panem Estates and Panem Acres, small houses and a lab.

My heart jumped. "Oh my God Mom, is there a meth lab nearby?"

My mom dropped what she was doing and looked directly at me. "Who said anything about a meth lab. Jeez Katniss. No, Pfizer Pharmaceuticals opened a new plant over the old town dump." It's nice to know that my Advil will be packaged over a dump.

"Does Panem Heights look out over a valley or something?" My mom shook her head. "Nope, it's on perfectly flat land. Idiots. The area that has great views is Panem Hills. It looks over Panem Valley. The valley gets flooded a lot when the snow melts on Mount Panem."

Clove smiled. "Mount Panem, that sounds nice."

"It is, Mount Panem has skiing and Panem Ridge has some good hiking trails." I said.

Clove pointed to a lake. "Kat, is this where you went ice skating?"

My mother nodded. "Yes, that's Lake Panem. We call the Panemites that live around there Lakers. You know because they live around the lake."

"Thanks Rose." My Mom was glad that Jo got it.

"It's a damned lake that's fed by Panem Creek. If you follow that north you'll find the meth lab. But it's in the next town."

"How did Panem get it's name Mrs. Everdeen?" Ah, a history lesson.

"Well Chloe, the Panem family left their home in search of more fertile farming land when the wheel broke on their wagon as they drove up the Post Road. So they pitched a tent and stayed."

"How did the farm pan out?"

"The land was worse than the stuff they just came from. So they tried to mine."

"What?" Clove was excited. "Silver? Gold? Diamonds?"

"No. Nothing like that. Coal. But that didn't succeed either. So they packed up and left. Never to be heard from again. But the name stuck."

* * *

knock ... knock ... knock ... An elderly, elegant woman opened the door. "Yes, may I help you?"

"Hello Mrs. Tuttle, I'm Frank Everdeen from Twelfth Street. I think your dog has been digging up our yard."

"Oh that can't be. I only walk Buffy on a leash." A little froo-froo dog with a pink collar come out of the other room. "See, here she is."

growl … growl After she growled she clamped her jaw around Rory's ankle. "Hey! Stop it!"

"Buffy! Buffy! Let go!"

"Get it off! Get it off!" Rory lifted his leg and shook it. The dog hung from his ankle and it swung around as Rory shook his leg.

"Come on Buffy, let go of the good man's leg." Mrs. Tuttle grabbed the dog and pulled it off Rory's ankle ripping his sock as along the way. "Oh I'm sorry about your sock young man." Rory massaged his injured pride.

"Mrs. Tuttle, we're looking for the Great Dane, Bosco."

Mrs. Tuttle turned around and walked back into the house. "Bosco was my late husband's dog. He was so big. He got into everything. One time he got into our pantry and got his head stuck in the pickle jar. The whole house smelled like pickle juice. He ran around the house knocking over everything. Look what he did to this imitation priceless Ming Vase." She held up the vase with the obvious cracks in it.

"Mrs. Tuttle, where is Bosco?"

"I'm not sure. I asked the animal shelter to find it a home and they did."

"Thank you Mrs. Tuttle." growl ... growl ... Rory recoiled and ducked behind Peeta "Buffy, be good. You're scaring the young man. Bye boys."

* * *

"Excuse me. My wife Madge Hawthorne is here."

The police dispatcher buzzed Gale in. "The Chief is in his office. He's expecting you"

"Thanks." Gale walked through the tiny police station. knock ... knock ... knock ... "Chief?"

"Detective Hawthorne, come on in." Gale shook hands with the older gentleman. He reminded Gale of his father. A big man whose uniform didn't quite fit him anymore. "Let's see if we can work this out." The chief said.


	4. Chapter 11 Panem Tales Part III

**Panem Tales: Part III**

My mother was preparing something on the butcher block island in our kitchen. "What are you making Mrs. Everdeen?" Clove asked.

"Pear pie." My Mom responded. "Pears are very popular in Panem."

"Really? Why?"

Prim, being the resident pear expert of the family, was ready for this question. "The pear is the official fruit of Panem. The Popular Panem Pear is known around the world as being the world's most delicious pear." Clove and Johanna sat like good students eager for knowledge. "Panem is known as the pear capitol of the world. And just like Warwick has Applefest, and Pine Island has The Onion Festival, we have the Pear Bash every fall. Main Street is closed off and vendors come in to sell their pear themed wares. There is pear pie eating contests and Panemites all make their favorite pear meals for the Pear Bash."

"Really?" Jo's question trailed off with a high pitch. "I don't believe that."

Mom came over. "It's true girls. Then at night, people retreat back to their streets for Popular Panem Pear parties. Mount Panem is full of pear orchards. The Popular Panem Pear pickers pick pears from dawn to dusk. When I was a teenager we had time off from school to work in the orchards. I remember my classmates Pat, Paul and Peeta during harvest season. Their Popular Panem Pear picking was praiseworthy. They specialized in the premium Popular Panem Pear."

Jo thought about this for a second. "Are you trying to say that Pat's, Paul's and Peeta's picking of the premium Popular Panem Pear was prodigious?"

Mom nodded her head. "But things are different today. The Popular Panem Pear picking is done by migrant workers. Mainly from Panama and Paraguay."

"How 'bout Peru?"

"Probably. On the weekends people flock to the orchards for pear picking fun. There's nothing like a day of picking the Popular Panem Pears and picnicking."

I rolled my eyes. "Yeah, that's a real scam. You provide the labor of picking your own pears and they charge you more than store bought."

Prim and my mother glared at me like I just insulted the Pope. "Katniss Lily, you watch your tongue. Don't disparage the Popular Panem Pear!"

"Sorry mom, but I'm not as crazy about pears as I used to be."

She poured me a glass of juice. "Isn't pear juice your favorite?"

"Yes mother."

She slid a piece of Gingersnap-Pear Cheesecake to me. "Isn't this your favorite dessert?"

"Yes mother."

She opened her personal pear themed cookbook. "Wasn't Pear and Bacon Grilled Cheese your favorite sandwich growing up?"

"Yes mother."

She flipped a few more pages. "And don't you just love Arugula and Pear Salad With Maple Vinaigrette."

All I could do is shake my head. "Yes Mother."

* * *

"Hi, I'm Angela. Are you thinking of adopting a dog or a cat?" There were two rows of caged dogs. They had room to roam but they looked so sad. My dad bent down and let the dog sniff him through the cage bars. "We have all kinds of dogs. All shapes and sizes."

"Actually, we're looking for a dog that has already been adopted. He was a big great dane called Bosco."

The shelter worker just shook her head. "Oh my God. He was a nightmare. Howled all the time. One time we took him out of his cage he dragged one of the volunteers, Kimberly, halfway down the block before he stopped."

"That sounds like Bosco."

"Then he got his head stuck between the fence uprights. Took our maintenance people two hours to free him." She opened the file drawer. "He was adopted by Reverend Dalton. He lives on Tenth Street."

"Thank you Angela."

* * *

"Come on, you can go."

Madge looked up from the bench she was sentenced to.

"Why?" Madge stayed on the bench. "I'm not getting up until I get an apology." Gale glared at Madge. He knew they had to get out of there before she got herself into more trouble. "I didn't ask you to get me off."

Gale had to reach deep inside to keep from blowing up. He leaned over and whispered in Madge's ear. "You asked me to get you off when you dropped my name." Madge met Gale's eyes with an equal glare.

* * *

"Mrs. Everdeen, I didn't know there were so many ways to have pears." Clove said.

My mother pulled down a 6 inch thick loose leaf binder titled _1982 Popular Panem Pear Recipes_ and dropped it on the table. "You don't know the half of it."

Jo and Clove perused the recipes and the photos that were mixed in. "What are these pictures of?"

My mom looked at them and bit her lip. "Oh that was the year a group jumped from an airplane in their pearachutes. One poor guy went off course and landed in the packing plant. It took the hospital months to bend him back into shape."

"Mom, you're right, I do love the Popular Panem Pear, but I don't have the same enthusiasm for The Pear Bash as you guys." I said.

Prim laid down another photo album. There was an antique photo of Grandma Lil, my great Aunt Rose, my Aunt Vi, my mother and Prim. "When I was fifteen I was Princess Pear just like almost all the women in the family." There was a young Prim with a pale green gown. She had a long scepter that was capped off with a golden pear. "I ruled over the Pear Bash and all its subjects for the length of the Pear Bash. That's me taking the Princess Pear Pledge."

"The Princess Pear Pledge?" Jo asked.

Prim stood up and raised her right hand. "'I, state your name, do solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute the job of Princess Pear of Panem, and will to the best of my ability, preserve, protect and defend the Popular Panem Pear and its juicy goodness.' That pledge is just as important as the Popular Panem Pear Prayer."

"I know I'll regret this, but how does that go?" Jo was a glutton for punishment.

"We beseech Thee, Almighty God, in Thy goodness, to pour down Thy blessing on these trees which Thou hast permitted to grow with due sunshine and rain, and make them to grow into mature Popular Panem Pears. Grant to Thy people that they may always give thanks to Thee for Thy Popular Panem Pears, and fill the hungry with Popular Panem Pears which the fruitful earth produces so that the poor, needy and supermarket buyers may praise their juicy goodness."

"You were very cute Prim." Clove said.

"She was a nightmare that ruled over the Pear Bash patrons with an iron fist. She was the first and only Pear Princess to be overthrown in a coup d'etat." Prim narrowed her eyes at me. "It was bloodless at first but the Panem Police had to intervene for Prim's own safety."

She crossed her arms, tapped her foot and glared at me. "Katniss is just jealous that she was never chosen as Princess Pear."

"That's not true Prim."

"Yes it is Katniss." Prim said while Clove pointed to a picture.

"Katniss, is this you?"

I looked at the photo. "Oh crap Mom. You still have this picture?"

Prim grinned. "Yup, our Kit-Kat was the Grand Pear." The Grand Pear was not that grand. Where as the Princess Pear wears a pale green gown, the Grand Pear wears a pale green pear costume.

"Why'd they pick you Kat?" Clove asked while I shrugged.

"I'll tell you why, Katniss was the only one the suit fit. Her body was definitely pear shaped that year." Thanks Prim. As much as I'd like to smack her upside the head I had to agree with her.

"Kat, what on your head?" Clove asked.

"It's my stem. Of course."

"Who are those guys next to you in all the pictures?"

I looked at the photo again. "Oh, those were my pear handlers. You know, just in case some kids tipped me over. Falling over was like being a turtle stuck on it's back. It was impossible to turn back over."

"Katniss was the first girl in family history not to be chosen Princess Pear."

Jo and Clove turned to me expecting an answer. "They picked Madge. It's was all politics."

Prim shook her head. "No, tell them what really happened."

I know I'll regret this, but if I don't tell the story Prim will. "Okay, here goes. All day I'd been sampling one pear dish after another. Then I helped judge the dessert contest."

"Oh God I know what happened next." Jo said.

"Then, I was in the Popular Panem Pear Pie eating contest. It was tied and it went into extra slices. And while I was on the stage for the Princess Pear pageant I got sick." Jo put her hands over her mouth. "And you can guess what happened next."

Prim finished the story. "You should have seen it. Premium Popular Panem Pear pieces went flying across the stage and spattered all over the judges."

I just nodded my head. "Yup, that ended my Princess Pear Pageant."

* * *

ding dong ... ding dong ... The Reverand Dalton answered the door. "Yes, may I help you?"

"I'm Frank Everdeen from Twelfth Street. I think your dog has been digging up my yard."

"Are you sure?" My father showed him the plaster cast. The reverend examined the casting. "It is large enough to be Bosco's. Did he do any damage? I'll pay for it if he did."

"No, that's not necessary. If you could keep him leashed, I would appreciate it."

"I'll certainly try Mr. Everdeen. I will."

"Would it be possible to see Bosco so I can make sure it's him."

The reverend motioned for the three of them to come in. "He's right here. Just waiting for the fire department." Sitting on the stair landing was the most pathetic thing. The dog was lying down with his head stuck between two balusters.

"No, that's okay Reverend Dalton. I'm sure it's him. Thank you."

Reverend Dalton led the three of them out and wished them a pleasant day. "Probably got his head stuck chasing his shadow." Rory said.

"And that solves the case of the missing evening primrose bush." Peeta said.

My father started the car. "I don't know about you two but all this work has made me thirsty. I need a beer." His two sons-in-law high-fived. Well, at least they're spending time together. "Then pear beer it is!"

* * *

Gale tried to lighten the mood as they drove away. "We're meeting everyone at seven tonight." Madge didn't respond to Gale. "I wonder where we're going to eat." Madge's face didn't move a muscle. "My dad said..."

"How did you get me off?"

"I told the Chief you were on the rag."

"GALE! I'M GONNA ..."

* * *

Prim opened up the bar. "I'm going to make a peartini, anybody else want?" Jo said she'd try one.

"I'll have pond scum." I said.

Clove was mortified when I said that. "What the hell is that?"

"It's vodka and pear juice. It's very cloudy and looks like ... pond scum."

Jo took a sip. "Yum." Jo made the drink her's.

"My personal favorite is pear wine." My mom opened the fridge. "It comes in a giant box now." She put it on the counter.

"Now that's what I called a juice box." Jo said.

"Oh girls, the winery has started producing pear brandy. They have tastings on weekends."

"When you girls take Jo and Clove shopping stop by The Pearaphernalia. It's the perfect place for pear products. And say hi to Perry Pearson, he's the proprietor." Mom said.

"Oh, I just love their pear shampoo." Prim agreed with me. "And the pear scented candles are so relaxing."


	5. Chapter 9 A Day at the Con Part A

**A Day at the Con Part A**

I grabbed my honey and pulled him close. I loved how my heart pounded when I felt his flesh against mine. He pulled me closer.

Something jabbed me in the side. "Mrs. Mellark, you need to get up now!"

I brushed it off, but the poking continued. "Peeta, tell Glimmer to get out."

She rustled me again. "You need to get up now! And besides, Mr. Mellark has already left. He had a very early tee time."

She kept poking me. "If Peeta's not here, who was I hugging?" I looked over and saw the king size pillow. "Oh."

"You need to get up now."

I sat up and glared at Glimmer, but I aimed my rage at Peeta. "That bastard!"

"And you can get him back by getting up, showering, getting dressed, and leaving on time."

I loved Glimmer, but I hated when she tried to attach things that have nothing to do with each other. "That makes no fuckin' sense." I also knew it was no use arguing with the nanny when she gave me the look. I can't believe I looked like that when I gave Peeta the look. "Okay, okay! Don't get your panties in a bunch!"

Effie, Glimmer, Jo, Prim and I got in the mini-van. "How long is the ride?" I asked.

Effie programmed the GPS. "Let's see... Three and a half hours."

"Oh my God! Why do we have to go to Harrisburg Pennsylvania for this comic thingy? Don't they do them in New York?" I whined.

"They have comic cons all over the country Katniss dear. And this happens to be the next one." Effie said. "And besides, it's small. We can get our feet wet without much investment." Effie was so good at being in charge that she could organize cats. "I have the schedule all laid out for us." She handed out the schedule.

"But I don't understand..."

Effie whipped around and aimed those piercing green eyes directly at me. "You don't need to understand anything young lady. You're gonna be polite and sign autographs happily! Got it?"

I just nodded my head and sulked. "Young lady, we're only five years apart." I mumbled.

"You say something?"

I shook my head. "No ma'am."

I had lots of time to think about why we were here. My little sister wasn't here for the money. She made a very good living as a neurosurgeon and her husband did very well as a CPA. She was here for the fun of it. I always thought if she hadn't become a doctor she'd be a great salesperson. Growing up she'd just bat those baby blues and people would do anything for her, especially guys.

Effie was here because she got to be in charge. Being a photo editor at Vogue gave her lots of clout but it wasn't the same as being the boss. And it was her desire to be in charge that drove her to make this company a success. So I did what my BFF, best frenemy forever, wanted me to do.

Glimmer was young. I don't think she knew what she wanted to do with her B.A. in English yet. And working with Jo and Effie gave her some insight into the publishing industry. I knew she wanted more than just being a well endowed ex-stripper/nanny/housekeeper.

And the reason I was here was Jo. She has been my true BFF since we were college roommates. She always wanted to write, but the closest she had gotten was being an editor at Vogue. Working on other people's work was okay but not the same as creating your own work of art.

Now, I'll be the first to admit that Detective Ballbuster, nor Kit Kat Kop were works of art, but she did write them. And it is important that she writes whether it's the great American novel, titillating comics, or plain old crap.

"Are we there yet?" I asked.

"If you ask me again I'll turn this car around!" Effie screamed.

"OH MY GOD! YOU PROMISE!"

Jo nudged me. "Did you take your extra bitchy pills today?"

I knew Jo was right and I shouldn't take it out on Effie, but I just wasn't in a good mood. "I'm tired, grouchy ..."

* * *

"Oh God! The weather is great."

"This is the perfect day to finish the season."

"This will be the first time I get to use my new putter."

"FORE!"

* * *

"...and jealous of those bastards!"

"This is it? This place is a dump!" Prim was not used to staying in anything under four stars.

"Relax sis, we're only here today and tomorrow."

Prim took a deep breath and nodded her head. "That's right Kit-Kat. I have to keep my eye on the prize. Selling plastic crap to geeky nerds." With a renewed sense of purpose, Prim led the way to the ballroom.

"Come on ladies, let's set up." Effie looked at her clipboard and assigned us our jobs. "Prim, you'll be in charge of all the merchandise sales. Glimmer, Katniss, you'll sign books, posters and cards. Jo, you'll sign books."

"And you Effie?" I asked.

"I'm the president, I'll keep everything moving along."

A tall, bean pole of a man with a pink shirt that said _I'm the Boss_ appeared. "Effie! I'm so glad you guys made it." They hugged and gave each other those fake kisses where you don't actually touch each other.

"Astra, let me introduce you to everyone. This is Katniss, otherwise known as Detective Ballbuster. This is Glimmer, who is the model for her sidekick Jawbreaker. And here is our author Johanna. And this is Primrose, one of our investors."

While we were shaking hands with Astra a pair of workers came running up. "Astra, Astra, emergency!"

"What's wrong?"

"General Martok is having a problem with his laptop!"

"What's the problem?"

"One of the other Klingon's accidentally speared it with his Bat'leth."

"Ahhhhhh!" Astra and the others ran off.

"Okay, that was interesting. But we have work to do." Effie said. All I could think of was Peeta and the guys at the golf club.

* * *

"After we finish I'm going to get a massage. Then a swim."

"I have a chance to work with the pro on my short game."

"The steam room has my name on it."

"That all sounds great, but I think I'm just going find a nice place at the bar and watch the game."

* * *

"Those bastards!"


	6. Chapter 10 A Day at the Con Part B

**A Day at the Con Part B**

"All right ladies. We're about to get started. Here are your tee-shirts." Effie handed out our Detective Ballbuster shirts.

"That's not fair. My cartoon character's boobs are twice my real size." I looked at Glimmer. "But your's and Jawbreaker's are the same size."

She smiled. "What can I tell you Mrs. Mellark, being a stripper and a female super hero require the same body measurements."

I took my station and my Sharpie. "Okay, here they come. Katniss," Effie paused and stared at me. "What's with the smile?"

"What are you talking about? You're always telling me to smile more!"

Effie rolled her eyes. "Katniss, I told you to read the character's background. Detective Ballbuster is surly. So this time you can just act like yourself."

* * *

"So who are you supposed to be?" I asked.

The very hairy guy said, "I'm Wolverine." And the blue girl said, "I'm Mystique."

"And who are they?"

Suddenly, the boys eyes went from cat slits to owl's eyes. "Wolverine is one of the main characters in X-Men! He is probably the most important..."

My eyes glazed over. "And who is Mistake young lady?"

"It's Mystique." The blue girl corrected me. "She's a shapeshifter."

"Oh, I could see that coming in handy." Jo said. "You could give yourself a boob job whenever you wanted a little more upstairs."

I nodded in agreement, but the clawed one and the blue chick didn't seem too interested in the possibilities shapeshifting could have for the cosmetic surgery industry. "Well, I guess I'll just sign these and you could go back to saving the world."

She corrected me again. "Mystique is a super villain."

I frowned. "That's too bad. You look much too cute to be a super villain."

"Um, Jawbreaker, um, er, can I ask you a question?" It's cute when boys lose their concentration trying to talk to Glimmer's cleavage. "I'm sure you'll be asked to play yourself in the Detective Ballbuster movie, but who do you think will play Ballbuster?" My pout was obvious. "Oh, I'm sorry, but, um, you are, kinda..."

The blue one spoke. "Too old and not sexy enough."

"Yeah, that. Maybe Scarlett Johansson?" He said.

"Megan Fox?" Mystique added.

"How 'bout Angelina Jolie?"

"Uma Thurman?"

"I got it! Jennifer Lawrence!" They slaped hands with excitement. Jo and I shook our heads.

"Detective Ballbuster is an action hero. I can't see Jennifer Lawrence in that part." Jo said.

I nodded in agreement. "She's a wonderful actress, I agree, but Detective Ballbuster. No way."

"Do you two even know who we're talking about?" Said the blue girl. The clawed one's jaw dropped.

"Sure we do, we've seen most of her movies. _Silver Linings Playbook_."

"_The Poker House_."

"_Winter's Bone_."

"And of course her latest triumph, _American Hustle_." We nod in agreement. "She was so funny. And I can't wait till _Serena_ comes out in the spring."

"Are you serious! What about _X-Men_!"

"_Hunger Games_!"

"_Catching Fire_! She played Katniss for God's sake."

Jo nudged me. "That's so funny. She has the same name as you." We both giggled. They threw up their hands and stormed off. "I don't think they were too happy Kat." I shrugged. "This is why I don't want kids." Jo said.

"I'm not looking forward to Lily's teenage years. Not at all!" I added.

* * *

"Hmmmm, I can't tell what kind of powers Detective Ballbuster has. Does she fly?" The fan-boy asked.

"No." I said.

"Does she have invisibility?"

"No."

"Super strength?"

"No."

"Well, what does she do?"

"She kicks bad guys in the balls."

* * *

"On page twenty-five, the villain Lunkhead, has the knife in his left hand, thereby setting him up as a lefthander, but, on page seventy-two he has the knife in his right hand. Is he ambidextrous or is there a look alike villain?"

I was a little confused by the question and I needed clarification. "What the fuck are you talking about?"

The two fan-boys hoped up and down and high-fived. "Oh shit! She sounds just how I thought she would!"

Glimmer took my arm and squeezed it. "I can't believe you two caught that." She motioned them closer and whispered. "I really need you two to keep what you saw secret. I can't go into it, but it is important."

They pulled away. "You can count on us Jawbreaker."

"That was good Glimmer."

"Just making them part of the team."

* * *

"Can I see the Ballbuster figure." A man in a Batman tee shirt, that was too small to fit over his belly, asked.

Prim handed him the doll. "Here, press the back."

He pressed the back of the doll and it lifted its leg and said, "Take that sucka!"

He shook his head. "Very nice, very nice. They'll sell well. I want to put together an assortment of fifty."

Effie bolted over when she heard that. She spotted his name badge. "Richie, if you make it a gross we can talk about an assortment of signed pieces at no extra cost." They walked off to talk.

"Better get going Katniss, you have a lot signing to do." Prim said.

* * *

Glimmer came back from her break. She had changed from her tee-shirt to a tank top. "When did we turn the comic con into a Hooters?" I asked.

Prim leaned over. "I had her do it. We can double how many posters we sell, look at the line."

I looked up and saw the line going around the corner. "Good move Prim."

* * *

"Can I see the night stick?"

Prim handed the baton to the customer. "It's a limited edition. It's also signed and numbered." The man was very impressed and bought it.

"Prim, where did you get that?" I asked.

"Some catalog that sells police equipment. I had it engraved with the Detective Ballbuster logo and I forged your signature. Pretty smart, eh?"

* * *

A girl, on crutches, came up, "Hi honey, what happened to your leg?" Her broad smile made me think she treated her injury like a war wound. Like she was proud by how she injured it.

"I used your patented throw kick. I lost my balance and fell down the stairs. Detective, you're my hero. I want to be just like you. I read your blog every week." She said.

I turned to Joe and mouthed, "I have a blog?"

Joe responded, "I'll tell you about it later."

I was mortified thinking it about the young girl. "Listen sweetie. I don't think a morally ambivalent, spandex wearing, boob enhanced, high kicking, vigilante is a good roll model."

She cocked her head. "I meant you Detective Mellark. I want to be a police officer. I enter college in the fall. My degree is going to be criminal justice or psychology. I already have the date for the state police exam and the county sheriff's test."

I walked around the table. "Here, let me sign your cast."

Her smile could have blinded those in the room. "Thanks Detective."

"Call me Kat. And here's my card with my e-mail address." I sat down. "Are you crying?" Jo asked me.

"Detective Ballbuster doesn't cry."

"No, but Kit-Kat-Kop does." She pushed my rolling chair to the other end of the booth. "Don't come back till you toughen up."

* * *

"Jo, I can't believe you wrote this! Listen to this. 'Well Jawbreaker, it looks like we solved another case by meting out our own brand of justice!' I mean, really!"

"Listen Kit-Kat, the fans don't care about the dialogue. They care that the characters have big chests and that they kick ass."

"I'm surprised you didn't put machine guns in her boobs."

Jo thought about that for a second. "Um, boob guns. Maybe, just maybe."

* * *

"My wrist hurts." Jo said.

"My ass hurts. Prim, how about you?" I asked.

She stared at her hand. "I broke a nail counting all the money."

Sometimes I wonder what was going on in that itty bitty mind of hers. "Prim, you make a lot of money already."

"I know. But it's nice to handle cash. It's like a connection to the common folk."

Effie walked over. "Did you all have fun?" We were tired, but we did have fun. "Good, because we have to be up at eight and do it again tomorrow."

"Oh crap. We have another day of this. FUCK!" I said.

"I see you brought your bitchy pills with you Kat." Jo added.

* * *

"Man, that massage fixed the kink in my back."

"That pro really straightened out my swing."

"I am so relaxed after that steam."

"That steak was this thick. Man-o-man, it was great. And I am so ready for another round tomorrow."

* * *

"Those bastards!"


End file.
